Disclaimer: Nope, don't own 'em
Summary: The heartwarming love story of fail!vampire Ryeowook and the local intellectualist, Mr. Beijing Fried Rice. As told by DBSK.
Hankyung's Life History, In a Nutshell:
At the tender, impressionable age of six, Hankyung's main goal in life was to be a professional dancer, and then he could die happily. When he was nine his plan to achieve fame was set in motion, and he got shipped off by his father, irritated that he had a son with an unconceivably shameful dream of becoming one of those idols that his wife ogled over, to South Korea, famous for its renowned dance schools and rapid production of pop artists, competant or not.
It was not until he got there that he found out the school his father had sent him to wasn't a dance school, but a middle school well known in the district for its academics. Despite the confusion, he settled in with little protest and skillfully hidden disappointment, adapting to his new school so quickly and immersing himself in his studies so seriously that even though he was still a preteen he was suspected by the boys of being homosexual and suspected by the girls to be "the cute nerd who was most likely to turn into a raging sexual pervert." He wasn't surprised he gave off that impression, because as far as he could tell the school was full of a bunch of imbeciles; rich, but stupid nonetheless, so a quiet, studious sort would seem rather odd. Especially one that spoke their language like a two-year old, only with even worse grammer.
His classmates, bless them, made fun of him less and less as the years went by and they passed into high school. Part of it was contributed to the fact that his Korean being a whole lot better than before. Not nearly enough if he suddenly had an urge to preach an entire sermon on the spot, but sufficient enough to avoid getting teased. The other part was because he had grown into a tall, handsome, reserved boy with strangely innocent eyes and a shy, tentative smile that instantly crumpled in hurt at every stinging rebuke, unlocking the previously nonexistant maternal sides of near every girl in his school until by his senior year he was the most popular boy amongst the female population, much to the envy of his fellow male peers.
He graduated as school valedictorian at the age of sixteen, with top marks in every subject and the praise of every professor he had ever had ringing in his ears. Realizing that being a dancer couldn't provide a very steady source of income, he abandoned his lifelong dream and went back to China to attend college, meeting a few Korean students who have chosen to study abroad in China - Park Jungsu a.k.a. Leeteuk, Choi Siwon, along with the Kim and Lee 'brothers.' (At this time he didn't know they were bloodsucking undead creatures.)
Soon afterwards, a few months after his seventeenth birthday, his father suddenly died a horrible, tragic death: while he was on his way to work, he tripped over a chubby-faced black cat, wound up headfirst in the Heilongjiang River, and ended up drowning because his zipper got caught on his incredibly heavy suitcase, which dragged him to the bottom of the river.
Due to this complication, Hankyung found himself an orphan and for some reason, the college he went to didn't accept orphans, proclaiming them filthy sons and daughters of termite-beetles. Leeteuk, however, somehow managed to convince his parents to adopt Hankyung into their family of adopted people (Siwon, Zhou Mi, Henry the neurotic cat...), which is how Hankyung became part of the Leeteuk's great big family.
And so endeth the nutshell.
What could've been a wonderfully romantic moment between him and a really, really hot guy was rudely interrupted by the arrival of the sun. Due to the crazyness that had happened all night, Ryeowook forgot about the time and was jolted to his senses by the quiet sizzling of burning flesh and the sound of Eunhyuk, who seemed to have regained conciousness, screeching for what seemed to be "sun block", only Ryeowook couldn't tell for sure because the random outbursts of horrible English punctuating a migrain-inducing scream made Eunhyuk sound like something from a badly dubbed martial arts film.
Finally, after Eunhyuk decided to be smart and join Heechul in Zhou Mi's holey shack (Ryeowook wasn't burned by the sun because he was next to Hankyung, whose shadow was so long it offered meager, but still adequate, protection from the harmful UV rays), everything went eerily quiet, like the calm before a major storm.
Then he heard it: "AIIIEEEEEEE!!!"
The piercing shriek came from the other end of Zhou Mi's vast, if weed-overgrown, yard and Ryeowook and Hankyung dove out of the way just in time to avoid being flattened by an out-of-control twenty-five foot long school bus that looked oddly like an overripe banana. Some guy who Ryeowook didn't know but sort of recognized was in the driver's seat, and since the bus's engine was far from broken - it had a few minutes ago been on its way to pick up a load a children and dump them off at the village's only elementary school before it was hijacked by a half-crazed vampire/wizard and a four-eyed human with what appeared to be a couple of mummies wrapped in toilet paper strapped to their backs - the screaming passengers could do nothing more than scream their heads off and hope they didn't wind up six feet under due to the driver's fail driving. Ryeowook pitied them immensely.
He also pitied Zhou Mi, who had been knocked flying by the out-of-control bus and landed in a patch of poison ivy, coincidentally the only patch of poison ivy in the entire province.
The bus finally screeched to a stop - after it had bulldozed over Zhou Mi's shack, reduced it to sawdust, and shocked Eunhyuk and Heechul so much that right before the shack's demise they rocketed out screaming like banshees on crack - and the doors unfolded, revealing a startled-
"Hey!" shouted Ryeowook, for once in his life being loud and acting like Kangin because he was still really pissed at the stupid con bus driver. "You're that snake who threatened me out of...I don't even know how much money it was, but it was a lot!"
Ryeowook was, to say the least, astonished when Leeteuk threw himself in front of Ryeowook and started apologizing profusely. "I'm sorry for all the inconvenience I have caused you!" Leeteuk wailed, lip wobbling. "It's just...just...I'm broke and jobless and I have to support my three adopted brothers and a neurotic cat and the only one out of all of them who's actually sane is Hankyung but even with his saneness we have to steal from the church's charity fund in order to survive so please, in the name of all that's holy, don't have the police arrest me!" Leeteuk collapsed to his knees in a hysterical sobbing fit and Ryeowook suddenly felt intense eyes burning holes in the back of his head.
"How dare you make Teukie-hyung cry!" came an outraged yell, and the next thing Ryeowook knew he was lying flat on his back, Donghae - minus the missile launcher, to Ryeowook's great relief - being restrained by a calm Hankyung (does that man have any facial expression besides a pleasant poker face?), turning a brilliant puce color while furiously shouting, "Lemme at him, that stupid little shrimp!"
It would've been a pretty alarming sight had not Donghae been spitting out soggy shreds of bathroom tissue that persistantly stuck to his tongue.
"It's okay," Leeteuk said bravely. "It's all okay. I'm alright. Uh, Donghae, you can stop trying to kill him now..."
Donghae ignored him and kept on flailing.
"...Kibum wants a hug."
"KIBUM!" Donghae launched himself at the man with unruly black hair who was leaning against the bus, watching the exchange with intense dark eyes, and started squeezing him so hard the man's eyes almost popped out. Ryeowook studied the quiet man who bore Donghae's clingyness with an expression of infinite patience, and something in his brain just sort of clicked. This must be the "Kibum" everyone was talking about - the one apparantly "kidnapped" by the evil insane Lees.
But just as a caution: "What's your name?"
"I am Kim Kibum," Kibum announced gravely, eyes blank as he bowed low. "I was 'created' two years ago, and am now part of the infamous Kim family. It is very nice to meet you, Ryeowook-sshi. Yesung-sshi has told me all about you."
Yesung laughed and patted Kibum on the head. "That's our Kibum, as strong and silent as ever."
"He could give Kyuhyun a run for his money for the 'Vampire Most Prone to Bouts of Taciturnity In This Century," Donghae marveled, flicking Kibum playfully on the nose.
"NO! GUI XIAN IS GOD!" Zhou Mi suddenly shouted, jumping to his feet and scratching the red patches breaking out all over his skin. He was still grinning widely, which didn't quite fit the glint of madness in his eyes that flamed scarily at the first sign of anyone criticising his "God."
"Yes, Kyuhyun is still the best," Hankyung hurridly reassured.
"Good," Zhou Mi smiled - even wider - in relief, and promptly sauntered off, probably to find Henry.
"Zhou Mi seems really passionate about Kyuhyun," Ryeowook observed.
"It's not a passion. It's an obsession," Heechul deadpanned, poking his head out from under the bus and immediately withdrawing it again, hissing as angry red boils popped up on his skin as the result of two seconds' exposure to the sun.
"He's not obsessed," Hankyung argued in defense of his friend. "He's just very..." He fell silent, at loss for words.
Ryeowook stared at him. So did everyone else, waiting to hear what Hankyung would say.
Hankyung gave up. "Okay, so he's a man with a raging Kyuhyun complex - er…that is to say, he's a man that loves Kyuhyun very, very much, but it's totally healthy and in no way implies he should look into therapy because of his stalker tendacies."
"...Alright, everyone on the Bananamobile," Leeteuk said, clearly trying to divert the subject from Zhou Mi's creepiness. Everybody obediantly filed in, exchanging extreme looks of fear. Ryeowook was the last one on, and the only seat left was next to Hankyung, so he sat down embarrassedly, perching so far on the edge half his butt was hanging off the seat.
The whole trip was actually going fine; Leeteuk wasn't driving on the wrong side of the road, Heechul wasn't killing Eunhyuk and was actually quiet, when Ryeowook heard one of the sounds he never wanted to hear, ever, and it was the sound of something in the underbelly of the Bananamobile he was riding coming apart, making a sound that wasn't quite a boom, or a bam, or even a kapow, but could be best translated into human speech as "BAZAKK-craaack-clunk."
Leeteuk turned around nervously. "Gentlemen, we are experiencing a few technical difficulties right now. Please stay in your seats and do not panic while I investigate the problem. I repeat, do NOT panic. That is all."
He bent down and looked around. When he came back up, his face was white and shaky. "Okay, now you may panic."
"What happened?" Donghae called out. "What was that?"
"...Something that controlled the brakes," Leeteuk said flatly.
Everyone stared at him as their eyes got very, very wide. Ryeowook suspected they were in shock.
Hankyung calmly stood and walked down the aisle like the Bananamobile wasn't thundering down a steep slope at ninety miles per hour with no brakes, hit a random button that appeared out of nowhere but somehow managed to open the doors, wrapped Ryeowook in a shiny neon rain poncho, which Ryeowook figured was to protect him from the sun, and stepped out.
They hung in midair for about point five seconds, during which Ryeowook was thinking how lucky he was that everybody he's met so far was insane (except Kyuhyun and Kibum, but they didn't count).
And then they were flying.
"Oh wow," Ryeowook said dazedly. "You have wings." He squirmed as the constricting poncho attempted to suffocate him.
"Huh-? Oh, these are just special effects," Hankyung said dismissively. "I have very advanced technology that allows us to fly without outside support." As if to prove his point, he pressed another random button and the giant silver wings connected to his back disappeared. Ryeowook's eyes bugged out and he instinctively prepared for what he was sure to be a bloody, gruesome death, and afterwards a janitor would come scrape his bloody, broken corpse off the asphalt with a spatula.
But of course that didn't happen and they continued flying, with no one getting hurt except the ducks - bones snapped and feathers flew as they crashed into each other to avoid a collision with the two gigantic two-legged things floating in midair.
"At this point I should probably tell you that your fangirls below us are ecstatically taking pictures of you in my arms that will most likely end up plastered all over the Internet by the time we land."
Ryeowook choked. "WHAT?"
"In fact," Hankyung continued, "they're the reason why I met you in the first place. They showed up, approximately half an hour before I met you, and offered me a very large amount of money if I can translate what you're saying into Chinese so they can post your exact words on their blog, thereby making all the other parts of China insanely jealous because they don't have a single vampire, whereas we have nine."
"It hasn't even been twenty-four hours since I got here!" Ryeowook cried. "Scratch that - it hasn't even been one hour since I got here! How in the world did they find out so fast? And aren't people suppose to be afraid of vampires? Torches, pitchforks, burning at stake..."
Hankyung shrugged. "They're girls. They think differently than we do."
Ryeowook shivered with fear, despite being wrapped so snugly in a poncho he didn't have room to shiver. "Are you going to sell me to them? Is that why you rescued me from the bus instead of the others?"
Hankyung gave him a wounded look. "Is that what you think of me?" he said in a highly affronted tone. "I would never sell someone to those scary fangirls." He paused. "Well, almost never," he amended. "There was this one time, though..."
Ryeowook eyed him with distrust. "...Right."
Hankyung peered down and the corner of his lips twitched upward. "We're here. This is where I live."
"Why does it seem that everyone here is kidnapping me to their houses?" Ryeowook asked rhetorically.
"Maybe it's because you remind them of a pathetically cute puppy that they just have to take home and spoil until the puppy eventually escapes and is recruited into a circus, where they abuse the puppy some more till the puppy finally snaps and unleashes its inner Dogzilla upon the its tormentors," Hankyung offered innocently.
"Maybe I should just stop talking to myself out loud," Ryeowook sighed, giving Hankyung a strange look.
Hankyung nodded. "I agree - that way you'll sound much more like a educated young man and less like a stupid moron idiot. Which you're not, of couse," he added hastily after seeing Ryeowook's lips quiver in the beginnings of a killer puppy dog look only rivaled by Donghae's.
They landed gently on the ground - correction: Hankyung landed gently on the ground. Ryeowook dropped like a stone and nearly broke his neck when Hankyung let go of him from fifteen feet in the air.
"What was that for, you jerk!" Ryeowook ranted, trying to wriggle his way out of his confinements and only succeeding in tangling himself even more.
"Sch," Hankyung shushed, glancing around furtively. "Have I mentioned that one of my adopted brothers is a devout Christian, and doubles as an exorcist in his free time?"
"No," Ryeowook said slowly. "No you haven't. Thanks for telling me when we're, oh you know, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR DOOR."
"You're welcome," Hankyung said cheerily. At the sight of Ryeowook's upset face his features morphed back into his previous poker face - this time with a touch of remorse - and he said, quite sincerely, "I'm apologize for my rudeness." He paused, and, not seeing any sign of Ryeowook's grimace going away any time soon, continued. "I was out of line. It was my understanding that you wanted a tour of my homeland. If you have changed your mind, I will escort you back to your home right now."
"No, no," Ryeowook protested. "I was simply...surprised, that's all. And you have a beautiful home. Big, holy - holy's good, in a holy sort of way, provided it doesn't turn me into sawdust from its holiness..."
Hankyung studied him expressionlessly. Then he hesitantly smiled, like he wasn't used to his facial muscles stretching in that particular way, and it as like the sun dawned for the first time ever, that's how bright it was. He looked like a whole different person when he smiled - charming, amiable, and definitely not one of those twisted grins that Ryeowook had been subjected to before that was half-smile, half-sneer, and wholly disturbing.
Ryeowook smiled back, then blacked out.